The Three Times Harry Didn't Get Drunk and the Two Times He Did
by Randompersonality
Summary: One shot in Grim Series. Harry can't get drunk. It's part of being immortal. And it stinks. However, when Thor brings some Asgardian mead, Harry gets a crash course in drinking...responsibly. Mostly to avoid incidents that will not be mentioned ever again if he has anything to say about it. Rated M for content, just in case.


_**Disclaimers: I own nothing. Kudos to those who deserve it. Also, always drink responsibly. This is done for humor not to proclaim how great getting drunk is because it is not. Never be the person sober people are laughing at.**_

* * *

 **Things that should never be mentioned again...ever**

Harry watched the others drinking happily. Another crisis averted, another Stark celebration. Tony was trying to get Banner to have a drink with him and Banner was laughingly refusing. Tony was already fairly drunk by this point but it didn't seem to matter as everyone was having a good time.

Well, almost everyone. Steve, Logan, and Harry sat around a table watching the fun and games with glasses of Tony's best Scotch in hand. Harry took a sip and winced. "Why would anyone drink this? It tastes awful."

Logan grunted. "Probably because you aren't supposed to taste it after the first swallow."

Steve nodded in agreement.

Tony came over to their table. "Either you join in or I bring in strippers. Male strippers."

Harry laughed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. Anything but that." Secretly, Harry wanted to shudder. There had been an instance with Tony involved that included men dressing as women. Except none of them shaved... anything. Whenever, Tony mentions anything to do with strippers, Harry has horrible flashbacks to that particular party.

 **Harry Potter, The Fifth Wheel Wizard**

Harry wasn't quite sure how he got conned into this, but somehow Tony managed to drag him along on his date night with Pepper, and then made it into a double date with Banner and Natasha, who supposedly were 'secretly' dating. Harry wasn't sure how it was much of a secret since they obviously spent almost every waking moment together, trying not to look like a couple, but failing.

So, somehow drinks with friends turned into Harry playing fifth wheel. Not that he minded, but he was a bit bored. He couldn't get drunk, and it was annoying to watch so many people making doe eyes at each other. Maybe he was too old for this nonsense now. He hid a sigh with a sip of his drink.

Harry glanced around the table. Banner was trying to hide the hand he pressed to Natasha's side, and she lounged in her chair with a cat's grace, eyes lowered in contentment, though he knew she still watched the entire club. To his right, Tony rambled on about whatever he was working on back at the Tower, shifting his attention between Harry and his girlfriend. Beyond him, Pepper kept eyeing him like she had something she wanted to say, but didn't know how to go about it. Either that or she had too many and was wondering why there were so many of him.

"Tony, could you get me a refill?" Pepper asked sweetly, kissing Tony's cheek.

"Sure, another vodka martini, dry, with lots of olives coming right up." Tony winked before heading off to the bar.

Pepper caught Natasha's eye and made a little gesture that somehow got Natasha whispering into Banner's ear. The older man looked a little freaked out but soon the two were on the dance floor having a grand time leaving Pepper alone with a suddenly self-conscious wizard.

Moving into the seat next to Harry, Pepper stared hard at him.

After a few moments, Harry couldn't take it anymore. "Pepper, is there something I can help you with? Your staring is starting to make me wonder if you, A: have something to say; B: suddenly find me extremely attractive and want to run away with me; or C: I need to apologize for whatever it is I did and run as fast and as far away as I can. Please put my curiosity to rest and pick a letter."

Pepper laughed, patting Harry's hand. "Don't worry. You'll know if you need to run. And as cute as you are, I'm afraid Tony stole my heart several years ago and hasn't given it back. I just...I want to thank you. For what you did to protect Tony. Not many people would."

Harry tried to wave off her thanks, but Pepper pressed on, "No, seriously. _Thank you._ Tony might sometimes come off as a spoiled, conceited, idiot genius, but he's my idiot genius. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him."

Pepper stopped and just quietly stared into Harry's eyes as if trying to impress upon him the magnitude of her gratitude through her gaze alone.

The awkward tension in his shoulders drained away, and Harry smiled. He leaned in close, looking at the slight haze of alcohol in her eyes. "Pepper, you're really drunk aren't you?"

Pepper grinned. "I think so."

Harry laughed. "Guess I'm DD tonight. Which will be interesting since I don't have an American license and I find your driving habits rather confusing."

Pepper blinked a few times before Tony waltzed up to the table, Pepper's drink in hand. "Don't worry, I called Happy to come and pick us up. Harry, please don't cause my intoxicated girlfriend to have a panic attack."

"The thought never crossed my mind." Harry laughed at Pepper's relieved expression.

"Don't do that to me!" Pepper exclaimed slapping at his arm making everyone laugh even harder.

 **Mourning a Rival**

Tony walked into the living room to find Harry sitting on the couch with three empty bottles of whiskey around him, a half full one on the table, and a shot glass in his hand.

"Uhhh...Harry. Speaking from experience, and knowing you are immortal and everything, but you do know that is an extremely unhealthy level of alcohol you are consuming."

Harry turned around quickly, having not noticed Tony come in which is completely unlike him. Normally, Harry knew the moment anyone walked into the building much less the same room he was in. This only told Tony that something major had happened to throw Harry off his game.

"Not to sound like Pepper but do you want to talk about it?" Tony asked, carefully approaching Harry and waiting for an answer. "Though I warn you, feelings generally give me hives."

Harry threw back the shot of whiskey like it was water before rubbing a hand through his shaggy hair.

"I don't know why...I mean, I didn't even _like_ the bastard. Why the bloody hell-" Harry began before words failed him.

Tony sat down on the edge of the couch, facing Harry. "I'm sorry, but huh?"

Harry groaned, dropping his face into his free hand. "Merlin...I don't even know how to explain it."

"People tell me that starting at the beginning is usually the best."

Tony waited as Harry thought it through.

Harry turned tired eyes to Tony. "I had this rival in school. Many years ago. He was rich and spoiled and elitist. We hated each other. During the war, my war not the World War, we saw each other differently. He was on the wrong side but it was due to loyalty to his family like I became what I am due to my loyalty to my friends. During the course of the war, we came to a truce of sorts and began to respect each other in a way. We still didn't like each other. Then the bastard made me the godfather of his children. They started calling me Uncle Harry until the day I faked my death. Made me a part of his family even though he hated me. Want to know why?" Harry asked but didn't wait for Tony to answer, "He said he owed a blood debt to me and he knew that if anything happened to him, I would protect his kids. Said he might as well make me an honorary member of the family and be done with it."

"Sounds like a happy ending of sorts. So why are you here drinking in the middle of the night?" Tony picked up one of the empty bottles and examined the label. Damn, but that had been a good bottle. "I thought you wanted family? And wasn't this years and years ago? I mean you're a grandfather now and he probably is too." Tony was completely confused. Why would Harry be talking about the past unless...

"He died. I just got the phone call from his wife. The bastard left it in his will that when he died this phone, my phone, would be called and the person on the other end of it would need to be notified of his death. The person calling my phone would not be allowed to ask who it is. Just call and leave the message and hang up." Harry huffed out a mirthless laugh, and Tony's jaw clenched. "He bloody knew. He somehow knew I faked my death and he honored my wishes. Even looked out for my family when he could. Now he's dead, and I never got the chance to tell him...I don't know... that I'm glad we stopped being such bloody children to each other..." He wiped a hand over his face. "Merlin. How do you face something like this?"

Tony thought for a moment before grabbing another shot glass from the cabinet beside the couch. "What's his name? Your sort- of- friend? Frenemy? Enemiend? Whatever..."

Harry stared at Tony as he refilled Harry's glass and poured himself some. "Draco."

"Well, here's to Draco. May he rest in peace after giving hell," Tony said holding his glass up for Harry to toast.

With a small smile, Harry softly clinked his glass against Tony's. "To Draco. A friend, a rival, a bloody bastard."

 **Avengers, Pranks, and Letting Loose**

"Greetings from Asgard!" A booming voice that could only belong to the blonde God of Thunder echoed through the common room drawing the attention of the gathered Avengers.

"Thor! Welcome back," Harry called out a greeting with a smile that did not quite reach his eyes. He was genuinely glad to see Thor again but the past few weeks have been rough on everyone. There had been an influx of criminal activity that needed their expertise. Even Logan made the trip to the Avengers Tower to assist where he could and to keep Harry out of too much danger. Now that they figured out who the mastermind behind everything was and brought him down, they were left with waiting for the next catastrophe to occur.

Logan even commented that they needed a break of sorts or they were going to go batty.

"I've heard from my lady love, Jane, that you were feeling the strain of battle. So I have come bearing gifts! In the form of our best Asgardian mead!" Thor pronounced letting down the rather large wooden keg from his shoulder with a solid thud.

"Mead?" Tony asked perking up. "Well, might as well. JARVIS, party protocol, if you would."

"Yes, sir. Should I also put the usual emergency personnel on standby?"

Harry swore that JARVIS was smirking behind that smooth British voice.

"I don't think that is necessary. After all, we have three who can't even get buzzed. They can play nursemaids if they want. Or they can just videotape the chaos and blackmail us later." Tony's devil-may-care grin was infectious.

Rogers, Logan, and Harry glanced at each other silently agreeing to videotape everything. After all, no one threw a party like Stark.

Within an hour, food was delivered, music was playing, and Thor's keg of mead was tapped.

Not to be left out, Rogers, Logan, and Harry each took a large mug of mead and sat on the sidelines to watch the fun.

Tony and Clint were trying to drink Natasha under the table and were losing horrifically. Harry couldn't help but goad them for losing to a girl. Natasha didn't even glare at his comments but instead gave him a saucy wink. Thor watched them all with a giant smile and roaring laughter as he quaffed his own mug of mead. Bruce just quietly watched everyone with laughter in his eyes.

Over the course of the evening, Harry started feeling rather relaxed and slightly muddy-headed. Looking over, he noticed Rogers was a little red faced and kept trying to tell Logan a story about a ballgame he went to with Bucky. Logan, however, was just staring into space.

Harry got up from his seat and found he was having trouble walking straight. Shrugging it off as fatigue, Harry stretched his arms over his head. He looked around at the team and a grin grew across his face. Wouldn't it be a bright idea to cause a little mayhem?

Pepper didn't quite know what to expect when JARVIS requested that she come immediately to the Tower.

It definitely wasn't a golden retriever carrying Thor's hammer in its mouth. Nor was it an extremely handsome red haired man wearing one of Natasha's outfits nor the short-haired blond bombshell wearing Clint's civilian clothes.

Logan was in a corner staring at the ceiling and muttering, "I can almost see her..."

Steve was telling Tony some story about a ballgame, one heavy hand clasped on Tony's shoulder, while Tony was looking about five seconds away from panicking. Bruce sprawled across the couch, snoring like a bulldog with a cold.

"Pepper! Thank GOD!" Tony shouted, pushing past Rogers and rushing to her side.

"What is going on?" Pepper asked. Looking around she noticed that a certain wizard was not present and accounted for. "JARVIS? Where's Harry?"

There was no answer from the A.I. causing Pepper's heartbeat to skyrocket. "Tony? What happened to JARVIS? And where is Harry?"

"That is an excellent question. I will help you look for him," Tony said and glanced over at Steve. The captain sat at the counter, now trying to tell the exact same story to Logan. Pepper narrowed her eyes in confusion. He kept saying something about a ballgame and getting drunk with-Bucky? After moments of no response, Steve started trying to figure out what Logan was looking at. Tony quickly grabbed Pepper's arm and lead the way down into the labs. "Before he figures out I'm not there," Tony muttered glancing over his shoulder almost fearfully.

"We'll watch over everything," male Natasha called as he? she? they took a seat. Female Clint did the same.

"What is going on, Tony?" Pepper demanded as soon as they were near the first set of Tony's labs.

"It was that damn Asgardian mead! Did you have any idea that it can get anyone drunk? And I mean _anyone_. Harry is apparently a prankster when intoxicated. Who knew? I mean he never seemed the type. Well, unless you count when he is with Fury but I always thought that was just a death wish but now I'm not sure. Did you see the toaster? It's singing 'God Save the Queen.' And my shot glasses are singing a horrible rendition of 'Carry on My Wayward Son.'" Tony took a moment to look at the ceiling, bemoaning the thought. "I'm so glad you're here. I don't know what to do. And then Harry just kinda disappeared after wrecking all this havoc. Help..." Tony got down on his knees, grabbed Pepper's hands, and flashed those big puppy-eyes that put the abused animals in the commercials to shame.

With a sigh, Pepper stroked Tony's hair and gave him a smile. "First, we find Harry. We have to see if he can reverse this."

It took a half hour before they came across a lab with its door wide open. Looking through the opening, with the help of the hallway lights, they spotted Harry laying on the floor just beyond the first set of tables.

"JARVIS, lights please," Pepper asked as she rushed to Harry's side.

"I'm afraid that is impossible Ms. Potts. My hands are...rather full at the moment. Sir, there is a light switch just to the left of you." JARVIS's voice could be heard but it seemed focused in a single corner of the room, rather than just floating around.

"We have a light switch?" Tony muttered before cautiously feeling the wall beside him. "Well how about that," Pepper could hear Tony mutter as the lights came on in a bright flash.

Pepper gasped when she spotted a tall, thin man in the corner with three children huddled around him. She protectively crouched over Harry's still form before exclaiming, "Who are you? Where did you come from?"

"I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Potts, but I find myself rather confused as well," JARVIS' smooth British voice echoed from the man as the children huddled even tighter against him.

Tony's jaw dropped in shock. "JARVIS? Then these children are..."

"Dummy, U, and Butterfingers, sir," the apparently very human JARVIS explained with a gesture to each child in turn. Dummy was an eight year old boy with dark brown hair and eyes. U was a six year old girl with bright curly red hair and a smattering of freckles across her cheeks and dark brown eyes. Butterfingers was a five year old boy with straight strawberry-blond hair and brown eyes. Luckily, they were all clothed, even JARVIS, in t-shirts and jeans but were all barefooted. JARVIS had short, spiky light blond colored hair and vivid blue-grey eyes. His face was handsome in the classical sense with high cheek bones, a sharp chin, and an aristocratic nose.

Pepper would swear that the children were her's and Tony's just from their appearances. They all had his eyes, dark-colored and bright with curiosity, but there was something in their faces that reminded Pepper of home videos from when she was a child.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, Pepper glanced between the unconscious wizard and JARVIS, then to Tony's wide eyes.

"What happened?" Tony asked. He couldn't believe his eyes. His creations were staring at him like he should be doing something.

"Mr. Potter entered the lab and tried to set some charms on the equipment. Not the important ones but the faucets and the test tubes that are only used for stable ingredients. I attempted to dissuade him of it while the robots tried to physically stop him. However, I am afraid he muttered some kind of spell. Suddenly we were like this and Mr. Potter was out cold. We tried to wake him, but were not able to before you arrived. The children were frightened that something else would come through the door and place another spell on us all. They dragged me into the back corner where you see us now." JARVIS' explanation still left some questions, such as how Harry managed to do all this with a single spell, but for now Pepper's main concern was the newly human robots and Harry.

"Tony, take the children upstairs. JARVIS and I will bring Harry up," Pepper ordered in her no nonsense voice that Tony could never disobey because it usually meant she was cleaning up another one of his messes and he had no room to complain about anything.

Instantly, the three children let go of JARVIS, grabbed onto Tony's hands, and started dragging Tony out of the room and up the stairs before Tony could even begin to pretend to protest.

Pepper whipped out her cellphone and speed dialed a number that, thanks to Harry, she never had to delete. After two rings, a male voice answered.

"Phil, I suggest you get to the Avengers Tower immediately. We have a bit of a situation. You might want to bring coffee. A lot of coffee. Don't tell Fury." With that Pepper hung up, trusting Coulson to follow her lead.

With JARVIS' help, Pepper managed to drag Harry to the elevator and get him to the common room where she found everyone waiting.

Gently, they placed Harry on one of the couches not currently claimed by a snoring Bruce.

The golden retriever from earlier came up to her, wagging its tail happily. It dropped the war hammer and stared at Pepper.

Pepper hated to ask but it had to be done, "Don't tell me... Thor?"

The retriever became even happier, "Lady Pepper! I have missed you! Am I not a glorious hound?"

"Good Lord it talks..." Pepper murmured trying not to laugh. She could not have picked a better dog breed that represented Thor if she had cast the spell herself. Seeing Thor waiting for her answer, she smiled and scratched him behind his ears, "Yes, Thor. You are definitely a glorious hound." _How am I going to explain this to Jane if Harry cannot turn him back?_ Pepper thought fleetingly as Thor's foot bounced in time with her scratches.

"Harry, Harry...You've got to wake up. Harry!" A voice called to the wizard but he was so comfortable he didn't want to move. Only the smell of coffee roused him enough to crack open an eye. It was his kryptonite. He could never resist a cup. Blearily, he reached for the mug swinging in front of his nose.

"Attention, soldier!" A familiar voice ordered getting an automatic response from Harry.

"Screw you, Phil," Harry muttered before realizing what he just said.

Blinking a few times to try and focus through his pounding headache, a well-known face smirked at him patiently. "Phil? What in the world..."

Harry glanced around as he took a cautious sip from his mug. The sight of a golden retriever making him pause from taking another sip.

"When did we get a dog?" Harry asked. His expression was a mix between humor and confusion since the dog seemed disappointed with him somehow. For the life of him, Harry could not figure out why. Although the headache that was currently trying to eat his brain was making it rather hard to think.

Phil bit back another grin, looking towards Pepper and Tony.

Harry looked around Phil to see Tony and Pepper with a strange barefooted man and three small children.

"When did we get kids?" Harry inquired even more confused since the kids could have been Tony's and Pepper's if Harry hadn't known that Tony and Pepper as a couple was a still relatively new concept.

That's when a red haired man and a short haired blonde woman came into the room looking like supermodels but the guy was wearing Natasha's clothes and the blonde was wearing Clint's.

"And who the bloody hell are they? Please explain what in the name of Merlin is going on?" Harry demanded around his pounding temples and fuzzy tasting tongue.

"Well, it turns out Asgardian mead can get _anyone_ drunk." Phil said calmly, pointing towards the now passed out Logan and Steve who were honest-to-God cuddling on one of the couches.

Harry spat out his drink in laughter that he instantly regretted when his head felt like it was going to explode.

So, he could be forgiven for his reaction when a horde of red envelopes streamed into the room and started smoking before howling an awful rendition of "Stayin' Alive."

Cursing, Harry whipped his wand out of the invisible holster on his arm and cast a silent spell that made all of the Howlers burst into flames with a speed that shocked even Phil.

"Bloody Howlers..." Harry murmured as he put away his wand and he took another bracing sip of coffee.

For a moment, everyone was silent as they could see the wheels turning in Harry's mind.

Harry's face when he realized the implications of Phil's statement that Asgardian mead could get _anyone_ drunk was an interesting mix of horror, embarrassment, and trying to fight back laughter.

"I did all of this, didn't I?" Harry asked, wearily amused, earning a barely contained laugh from Phil.

"Bloody hell," Harry sighed before taking a better look at his surroundings.

The dog caught his attention first. It now was holding a very familiar hammer in its jaws.

"Thor, could you please come closer?" Harry requested, making a come-here gesture to the pooch.

Obediently, Thor trotted up to him to sit at his feet.

"Can you change him back?" Pepper asked from where she was standing next to Tony and the children.

"Merlin, I haven't done this kind of transfiguration since I was a young lad still in school under the watchful eye of one of the best and most skilled witches I had ever learned from." Harry looked closer at Thor trying to determine how far he changed him into a dog.

"But you can do it, right? I don't know how I would explain it to Jane if Thor stayed this way." Pepper fairly shuddered at the prospect of breaking the news to the scientist.

In answer, Harry pulled his wand out again and closed his eyes in concentration. Opening them again, he whispered something that no one caught.

In a span of seconds, the dog morphed and changed into a fully clothed and bewildered Thor who was taking Mjolnir from his mouth.

"Shieldbrother, I request that you never do such magic upon my person again," Thor boomed staring down at the grimacing Harry.

"Thor, my dear friend, if you don't keep your voice down, Harry might be tempted to turn you back into a dog," Tony suggested watching Harry try to overcome his epic hangover with the last of the coffee in his cup.

Harry looked down into the empty mug with disappointment.

Looking up at Phil, Harry gestured towards the almost full pot of coffee the agent was holding by its handle. "Can I just have the whole thing?"

Without another word, Phil handed the pot over which Harry immediately poured some of the bracing black liquid into his mouth straight from the carafe.

"Well, I best try and fix all this, hmm?" Harry said after several swallows. He glanced towards the red-haired male model and the blonde bombshell.

"Ok, just so I get this right. Thor, I turned into a dog. I'm going to guess the red-haired fellow is actually Natasha and that would make the blonde, Clint." Harry turned to stare at the strange children and man. "I'm sorry but where did the kids come from and who is the tall barefooted man?"

"Mr. Potter, I'm afraid that should be slightly obvious by this point." JARVIS's smooth voice responded from the tall man.

"By Merlin's pants. Don't tell me..." Harry's stunned expression indicated the moment of revelation.

"Tony, I turned your A.I. and bots into humans." If the situation wasn't so unbelievable that it could only be true, Harry would have assumed that this was a weird dream.

"Yes, you did. Can you change them back?" Tony asked a little desperately. At least, until the children crowded against him even more with the biggest puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen. He quickly backpedaled before they started doing something crazy, like crying. "I mean, if they wanted to be changed back. Pepper, can I talk to you and Harry in private?"

"Natasha and Clint, please guard the children." Pepper requested of the man and woman.

"You mean babysit?" the silky voice of female Clint asked.

"No. Jarvis will watch over them. I need you and Natasha to protect them." Pepper clarified giving them a stern look that would have made even Fury think twice about crossing her. "We don't know what else Harry placed spells on or how dangerous the spells are. They need protection."

Instantly, the cross-gendered assassins went on alert.

Once in the kitchen, Harry collapsed into a chair at the table. Pepper and Tony sat down as well, but much more slowly. On top of a very long night, it had taken an hour to rouse Harry into something resembling coherency, and Tony, for one, was more than ready to get some sleep.

After a long pause of pure silence as Harry chugged down some more coffee, Tony spoke up, "Harry can you change them back?"

With a sigh, Harry put down the carafe, "I could but that would have to be their decision. They are now completely sentient beings, as if they weren't before, but now they have bodies of their own. They will have to decide if they want to change back. Otherwise, my spells won't fully work. It could be dangerous."

"You mean they could die?" Pepper asked, maternal instincts flooding her voice with concern for the children. Harry nodded slowly and rubbed a hand through his already disorderly hair.

"Let me talk to them. Bring them in but keep everyone else out. I will honor whatever decision they make," Harry said solemnly, "Professor McGonagall would have boxed my ears for this stunt. Not to mention all the house points I would have lost."

"House points?" Tony asked with curiosity. It wasn't often Harry shared something about his past.

"My school had four houses. There was a contest between the houses to earn enough points to win the House Cup. Points came from the teachers and prefects for work in classes, behavior outside of school, and sometimes if you just impressed the hell out of them for surviving a stupid stunt, like fighting a forest troll as a first year. Positive things earned points, negative actions or words could lose you points. It was a matter of pride I suppose to win the Cup," Harry explained patiently before gingerly shaking his head, "Never mind that now. I have a mess to sort out."

Pepper nodded and grabbed Tony by the arm to go usher the kids and JARVIS toward the kitchen.

When the former AI's entered the room, Harry gestured to the chairs he had placed in front of him.

Once they were seated, Harry looked each one in the eye, and he hated that the children shied away from him.

"I want to apologize for my behavior. I understand that you all were trying to stop me from doing something very stupid in the lab. For that, I want to say thank you and once again I am so very sorry I spelled you. If you wish to avoid me from now on I will understand and respect your wishes. However, right now we have to make a decision. Do you want to stay human or do you want to return to the way you were?" Harry asked kindly, "I will honor whatever decision you make."

The three bots turned to JARVIS with big brown eyes. "I wish to be of service to Master Stark no matter what form I may be," the blonde replied softly, "However, both of my forms are useful in doing so. I am torn as to what I should say."

Harry sighed before turning his attention back to the children, "Do you all feel that way?"

Three identical nods were his answer.

Harry leaned back in thought. Calling Death to his mind he asked a question, _what if?_

After a silent conversation with Death, Harry turned his attention back to the group before him.

"I have an idea but I'm going to be too weak to continue fixing my mess. Death is going to take care of the other spells I have left behind. I have to ask, do you trust me enough to place one last spell on you?"

A crash in the kitchen grabbed Tony's attention. "Harry? Harry?! JARVIS! Dummy, U, Butterfingers!? Someone answer!" he shouted running into the other room followed close behind by Pepper, Natasha, and Clint.

As soon as they entered the room, they found a still human JARVIS sitting on the floor with an unconscious Harry in his arms. Two chairs laying haphazardly on their sides as if JARVIS had to quickly cross the room in order to catch a falling Harry. Three familiar robots whirred around them worriedly.

"What happened?" Pepper cried sliding to her knees next to Harry.

"He used up too much energy for his spell, Miss Potts. He's alive just exhausted," JARVIS stated calmly, as he eased Harry to the floor with the wizard's torso leaning against his chest, held up by surprisingly strong arms.

"You decided to remain human?" Tony asked both worried and elated at the same time.

"No, sir. We decided to be both. Dummy, please show Master Stark our new abilities," JARVIS said with a smile.

Immediately, Dummy whirred loudly before transforming into his human form with a loud pop.

"We wanted to be helpful," the small boy said shyly, taking in all the stunned stares, "Is that ok?"

Tony sputtered a little in amazement before answering, "That is so cool."

"I think it will be just fine," Pepper said in amusement at Tony's reaction before opening her arms to give Dummy a hug.

"I just want to know how he did this," the still male Natasha asked in muted wonder. Heaven forbid that she be overly curious.

"I don't think he was supposed to be able to. But then again, I don't think anything is impossible for him. He's too stubborn," Tony said smirking at the sleeping sorcerer.

Silence reigned for a moment before Clint's sultry female voice piped up, "So I guess Natasha and I are stuck like this for a while."

"Not necessarily," a monotone voice sounded behind them.

They whirled around to come face to face with Death as it slithered out of the shadows.

With a wave of its thin hand, Natasha and Clint instantly changed back to their original gender, clothes baggy in unusual places.

"My Master requested that I assist in removing all the spells left over since he would be too weak to do so himself. If he could even remember what all he had charmed, spelled, or hexed. Even I must admit, your Asgardian mead may not have been the best idea," Death stated before disappearing back into the shadows.

"That's just creepy," Tony said with a shudder.

"What? Death?" Pepper asked curiously, "I thought you would be used to it by now."

"No, Clint and Natasha. They are creeping me out. Please, for all that is holy, go change your clothes," Tony said with a barely contained laugh.

Pepper rolled her eyes.

"By the way...did anyone take pictures of the cuddle buddies out there? We need to save that image for future use," Tony said slyly.

Clint grinned before taking out his phone and leaving the room.

"Now _that_ is just creepy," Pepper said shaking her head.

Harry couldn't remember much of that night but the video footage as well as the pictures everyone took brought a lot of it to light. Well that and the mustache and monocle he found drawn on his face the next morning.

Even Phil couldn't contain his laughter, when they showed him the entire footage but only after he swore on his Captain America trading cards that Fury would never know what transpired at Avengers Tower that fateful night Harry managed to get drunk.

Harry took all the teasing with shamefaced grace. At least until Tony decided to take things a step further. Then the prank war was on.

 **Guided Chaos**

"So I've been hearing some interesting rumors," Fury began looking his friend in the eye as he sat across from Fury's desk.

"You hear lots of rumors, Nick. Care to be more specific?" Harry asked as he sipped at his cup of coffee. Traditionally, it would be tea time but Harry needed the caffeine despite it being the typical office sludge that always lurks in the cafeteria coffee pots.

"The kind of rumors that might draw the wrong attention if you aren't careful. I heard that you managed to cause a bit of trouble at the Tower recently," Nick said looking out his window, with his back to Harry, missing Harry's cringe.

Fury turned back around with laughter in his one remaining eye, "So did you like the mead Thor brought you?"

Harry groaned dropping his face into his unoccupied hand. "Bloody hell... Did Phil tell you?"

"No," Fury said with a barely held back grin, "You forget I've been a spy for a very, very long time. I have my ways."

Harry gave him a halfhearted glare. "Is that why you called me here? You know blackmail doesn't work among friends. We know too much about each other for more blackmail material to be useful."

"You mean like how you made me lose my eye?" Nick retorted.

"I offered to replace it. What about how you shot me three times, thinking I was a zombie the first time I came back in front of you," Harry said with a smirk.

"What about the time you fried the entire headquarters mainframe?" Fury said settling against his desk.

"Well, that was your fault for piss'n off a wizard. What about when I had to babysit you and Phil, because some terrorist doped you both up and made you believe you were Catholic monks? Medieval ones!" Harry narrowed his eyes in mock-annoyance. "There are only so many times you can try and exorcise me before I get annoyed!"

At that moment, Phil entered the room carrying a small crate.

Glancing between the two, Phil immediately asked, "Are you two bickering again?"

"Only a little," Harry said calmly while Fury held back a laugh.

"Well if you two are done, I have something for you, Harry. Courtesy of the Allfather and Thor." Phil set the crate down on the desk next to Fury.

Harry stood and walked to the desk to get a better look. Using a little magic, Harry popped open the top of the crate.

Harry started to pull out the items. "A jug of," he pops the cork off and takes a whiff, "Asgardian mead. Good stuff, that." Harry replaces the cork before moving on. Next, he takes out a bundle wrapped in a cloth sack. Opening it, he places the contents on the desk. "A wheel of cheese, some kind of dried meat, and a loaf of bread. I am rather confused."

"Thor told his father about your predicament with alcohol. I assume this is what they use to drink in a way they consider responsibly. Even we eat while we drink, at least most of the time, here on Earth or Midgard, as the Norse gods call it," Phil said taking Harry's gift in stride.

"They must see me as a child," Harry said, amused by it all. "I will be ninety years old and I am considered a child. Never thought that would happen."

"That reminds me. This is also for you, from Jane Foster and Thor. Happy Early Birthday, Harry," Phil said pulling an envelope from his pocket and handing it over to the wizard.

Upon opening it, Harry couldn't stop laughing. The card had a picture of an old woman wearing a stereotypical witch's hat on the front and inside it had the same woman holding the hat like a giant cup, with a little drink umbrella and a crazy straw in it, as if in salute. It said "Have a Magical Birthday and one on me, you crazy old coot!"

"Who told them about my birthday? I assume Thor told her about my little episode with mead," Harry asked trying to catch his breath at Jane's method of teasing him.

"I believe Ms. Potts had something to do with that," Phil answered with a grin.

"So... poker night?" Fury asked folding his arms over his chest as he leaned back contentedly into his chair and eyeing the barrel of mead.

Harry looked over at Phil to ask him what he would prefer (since the last time they played poker, they all cheated and it got out of hand), but there was some kind of unholy gleam in the agent's eyes as he glanced between the mead and Fury. Arching an eyebrow, Harry withheld a sigh. And he tried so hard not to think about the last time they played poker. Ah, well...

"I have fresh 'Pepper-up' potions," Harry said hesitantly with a smirk.

Nick and Phil gave him shit eating grins before bundling up the Asgardian gifts.

Harry laughed before offering, "Safe house? 7pm?"

"Sounds like a plan. I'll bring more food," Phil said as he turned to leave with the Asgardian goodies.

"I'll bring the cards," Fury rumbled before turning his attention to his computer.

"And I'll bring the potions," Harry said before following Phil out the door.

Tonight was going to be fun.

 _ **-7pm, Safe House-**_

In a familiar cabin in the center of the forest in the middle nowhere, Harry was setting up the poker table. In other words, he was using wandless magic to set the table, stoke up the fire in the fireplace, and get beer mugs out of the cupboard, permanently chilled. Sometimes, he really loved magic.

The 'Pepper-up' potions were sitting at the ready on the mantle of the fireplace. Should anything arise while they were drinking, the potions would ensure that they would be ready at a moment's notice without a trace of alcohol or a hangover.

Harry made sure it worked not long after the 'Night of Mischief,' or as he liked to call it: 'When I managed to do complicated magic while completely intoxicated and Jarvis became human.' It wasn't a great title but it sure was descriptive. The potion worked beautifully on him and anyone else who had a taste for Asgardian mead. And given the lives he and his friends led, they'd need more than one before the end of the night.

At that moment, the door of the cabin opened. "It is 7:02. You're both _late._ " Harry snickered as Phil and Nick strolled in, arms full of everything needed to make tonight's game a good one. Phil placed the crate of Asgardian gifts on the bar while Nick tossed the snacks and the cards on the table.

Nick narrowed his eye at the wizard. "You try gettin' out of a base full of spies and assassins without getting seen." Harry opened his mouth, ready to point out that, yes, he could, in fact, get out of a base of spies and assassins without anyone even knowing he had been there, but Nick immediately put up his hand. "Don't. Say it." Phil chuckled behind him. Harry's grin stretched out mischievously. After all, Harry was the true BAMF in this group.

"Gentlemen, we're here to play a friendly game. Not prove who the better spy is… After all, there is a reason we are all friends. I am way better at this than you both," Phil stated smoothly, biting back a grin with his bland 'agent' face.

Harry laughed. "Do we need a referee already? Cause I could summon Death, if it's necessary."

"That unholy entity is biased towards you and you know it." Fury glared.

"Only a little…" Harry fake pouted.

Phil rolled his eyes and set about pouring each of them a tall drink. "Shall we begin?"

Harry immediately grabbed a frosted mug of mead and made his way to the table, "If you ladies are ready to get beaten by an old man."

"You're the one who was wearing a dress last time," Fury pointed out grabbing his own mug and a bag of chips.

"Those were ROBES! I had to wear them to sneak into that cabal of witches," Harry growled, though a flicker of his smirk remained in his expression.

"They were _magenta_ ," Nick argued.

"They were red and you know it!" Harry threw back only barely hiding his amusement.

Phil hid a smile behind his mug.

"Anyway!" Harry flopped down in his chair. "What's this I heard about donuts, Phil? Two gunmen and a sack of flour?" He scrunched his face up. "Because as awesome as I know you are, I'm having trouble with that one."

Phil sighed. "Why is everyone so impressed with that? It wasn't anything. My gun was useless at such close range with a civilian in the way. It was better to take them out with what was at hand. Hence the sack of flour. You can have a lot of fun with a powdery, five pound bomb of wheaty goodness."

Harry leaned away, looking at the full glass in Phil's hand. "Wheaty goodness? Did you drink straight from the bottle or what? That's not your usual eloquent vocabulary."

Phil glanced down at his drink, before realizing that Harry was just being an ass. "I have barely touched it. And we are taking a break. My vocab can improve later. Besides not all of us were raised speaking 'proper' English, bastard. You are in America. Get used to it," Phil laughed.

Nick chuckled as he shuffled the cards, "Besides, when you curse you always say Merlin's beard or whatever. I mean, if you are going to cuss, use a good one. You make Captain America's language seem foul when you say 'for the love of Merlin.'"

"Oh, so you'd prefer Morgana's tits?" Harry sneered playfully. Phil looked pointedly at Harry's glass, already a third gone. "Shut up, Agent," Harry said swiping at Phil's shoulder with the back of his hand.

Phil narrowed his eyes. "Call me Agent too much, and I'll think you wanted to invite Stark to this party."

" _Hell no,_ " Nick gritted out as he slammed the deck on the table. "Potter, you ever do that, and I swear, I will find a way to make you regret it. Now cut the damn deck."

"Very intimidating, Nicky." Harry nonchalantly cut the deck and motioned to it, "Are you going to deal or do I have time to save the world... _again_?"

"Now, now ladies. Don't fight. You're both pretty," Phil said under his breath but strangely still plenty loud enough that he earned dual glares from his two best friends.

"Hey, Phil. I took a scepter to the chest for you. You should be on my side!" Harry gleefully pointed out. "I'm obviously the most beautiful one here!"

Phil raised his brows in mock-surprise. "But of _course_ you are! Don't worry, we'll have you home before the clock strikes twelve and you turn back into a pumpkin."

Harry scoffed. "Screw that, I'll turn you into a pumpkin!"

"As long as you don't turn us into golden retrievers, I'm fine with that," Nick laughed.

"Come on, Nick," Phil picked his hand up from the table, his face schooled back into polite indifference. "We all know that you'd be an unholy terror of a Chihuahua. Bald of course, hence the bad attitude."

Nick set the rest of the deck down with a very unimpressed scowl. "Better a Chihuahua than a Shih Tzu."

Harry looked between them, sipping his mead and magicking over the popcorn. "Please, continue. This is the best show I've seen in a while. Tell each other how you really feel."

Both glared at Harry halfheartedly. "You have no room to talk, Mopey. I swear I thought a dying Tony was angsty. My god, you are almost ninety and you put emo teenagers to shame."

Harry snorted, sticking his nose up in the air. "I will have you know, that I look _divine_ in all black, chains, and leather."

Nick tilted his head and with his most blatantly sarcastic voice asked, "You went to a BDSM club and didn't invite _me?_ Harry, I'm hurt."

Harry shuddered, having flashbacks to a certain Stark party. "We will never speak of it again."

Phil and Nick's brows shot up in genuine shock. "Wait, what?" Nick leaned back as far as he could in his chair. "Potter, tell me you're kidding me right now."

Harry widened his eyes and gave them his best innocent expression. "Hm? Of course. On a completely unrelated note, just don't let Tony plan any kind of party involving strippers... _EVER._ "

This time Phil shuddered. After all, he witnessed some of Tony's...wilder days.

"By the way, Nick. How do you know about those kinds of clubs?" Harry asked, his eyes twinkling with gleeful mischief.

Nick raised one critical brow as if Harry were a junior agent who just missed the biggest detail of an assignment, then pointed at himself, "Spy. Some people think we won't follow them into those kinds of places. Makes for some fun arrest stories."

Harry bit his lip and turned to Phil. "Please tell me there's photographic proof."

Phil rearranged his cards. "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"This is going to be the best poker night ever," Harry said sipping at his mug.

Sure enough, all three cheated horrifically at poker but the mead definitely made it entertaining.

Harry, Phil, and Nick swapped stories, swapped gossip, and told each other things that they could only talk about with each other. Some things you just can't talk about to anyone other than the people who know you best.

Over all, Harry thought it was a good night. That is until everyone tried to stand up to take the Pepper-up potions after a phone call to Fury's cell. Laughing from the floor, Harry summoned the potions with a wave of his wand and distributed them. They agreed that this was probably the safest.

A few seconds after the potions worked their way through their systems, taking away the effects of the alcohol, it was time to get back to work.

Harry never again got drunk after that night but he enjoyed the buzz when he could. Mostly, he stuck to his tea and coffee. But every now and then, he would enjoy a small glass of Asgardian mead with Logan and Steve while everyone else had a beer. Apparently this proved he was responsible enough because every birthday and Christmas he was given a small keg of mead from Thor, courtesy of Odin.

* * *

 _Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. This is a one shot. I thought these scenes were funny. Can you believe this has been sitting in my to-do folder for almost three years? Where does time go?_

 _Cheers!_

 _Randompersonality_


End file.
